claire can't see me.

a mom who is cooler in words than in life.

Archive for June, 2009

i hate new people.

that looks horrible when reading.

let’s try that one again.

i hate meeting new people. sound better? okay…moving forward.

i am an awkward person. i stumble over my wit. i’m hella funny in my head. even funnier in my pjs at home with ant. but in public? i’m all “smile & wave boys, cute & cuddly”…so, instead of working on this deer in headlights reaction…i simply avoid meeting new people or just internally freak out when forced into a conversation with a stranger. there wouldn’t be a problem, generally speaking, but i think this standoffish vibe i reek makes me seem…well…standoffish. i feel like i come off as either snobby, stank, angry, uninterested or a offensive mixture of all of the above.

so…here’s my plan.i’m going old OLD school. i’m gonna make up calling cards like in the victorian days. & instead of forcing myself into making small talk, i’ll point them here. they can check out my bad habits, my horrible grammar, my funny side, my “parenting style”, my opinions & all my public apologies for themselves….& then decide for themselves if they’d like to twitter me & start a conversation based on what they’ve discovered. perhaps by then i’ll be ready for face to face dialogue like a real grown up.  

this sounds so extra…i know. but i’ve got to find another way than what i’m doing now. because as of right now…this is me:

stranger: how’s it going.
me: its going pretty good, thanks for asking. how are you?
stranger: ehh, you know things are going as good as i can get right now. you know with the economy & the weather. there’s just one storm after the other, am i right?
me: yep.
stranger: i guess i could complain more, but i’d rather just sit & smile, you know?
me: hmm.
stranger: so, umm, where are you fr…
this is me ——>walking off to avoid further attempts at talking.

i guess it would be one thing if i wanted isolation. but i’m a people person deep down inside this mess of issues & shame & terrible communication skills. if you’ve seen this of me & i’ve given you that “please don’t talk to me face”…i’m sorry. i do want to talk. i do want to join in on the random jokes. i do want to be apart. but just like in double dutch, i just never know when to jump in & even worse…i don’t know how to double dutch at all to start with. dumb analogy.

anyway….here’s an example of my calling cards.

be my friend, yo.

be my friend, yo. (click to enlarge)

 

now all i have to do is get up the nerve to give out a card.

sheeeeeit, if it ain’t one thing it’s another.

Advertisements

a forced goodbye.

there are some things that will never change. life & death for sure top the list. people come, & thus they must as well return from whence they came.

but today, i don’t want to know those facts. my inner child has just been handed back to me. the vessel of magic, of wonderment, the ultimate definition of imagination is dead & gone. before a collective apology could be issued, before amends could be made, with a joke on our breath & a rumor in our ear…he left this world greatly misunderstood. i grieve for our loss. a human being that gave years of his life to be the center attraction of the circus we requested. we asked for more each time. more answers. more reasons. he asked us to suspend belief & we said define yourself. explain yourself, michael. why do you…who are you…

& so goes the machine. but here’s what i remember.

jackson 5 was the music throughout the house. a time beyond me. watching my mom swoon. watching my stepdad groove behind her. the music that was the glue that held my makeshift family together. it was barbecue music, when ol’ school crew got their chance to shine. “you don’t know bout this here”…& we didn’t. but we laughed just the same. & when we fell in love, we searched through our mother’s tapes to find the right words to fit the feeling. we were michael fans by proxy, by new edition & bobby brown. by tevin campell & hi-five. by the boys. we too young to know the meaning of “off the wall”, but we were influenced by his influence on the world around us.

i know i’m a generation too late but still..michael has powered every roadtrip. has sponsored the best moments of spontaneous sing-a-longs. is the safest music to play around the babies. will always represent the good moments of family. & maybe that’s why so many of us brown children are sad today. because michael’s music represented our family reunions, our cook outs, our grandmother’s getting up to boogie. his music was the soul train line that every generation could act a fool to. he sparked history lessons by uncles, with the cigarette safely lodged between lips. we could see the teenager in our aunties,  the shadow of their former shape outlined in their thick bones when they danced. michael was very much family. always in attendance & always on time.

& his death reminds me that i’ll never get a chance to cry at his concert.

goodbye, michael.

i thank u & i apologize, in the same breath.

jon minus 9

what a sad show. the girls took it pretty hard. not their girls, but my girls. then i had to explain what a divorce was & take an hour of questions pertaining to what would happen if ant & i went down that road.

do i have to choose who to live with?
will you & dad still love each other?
will i have an evil stepmother?
can i have some ice cream?

i want to hate jon. natural response, i’m sure. hate the dude. but then i thought why be ordinary, let’s defend jon. so i went into watching the show ready to back dude up, tell him snatch back his nuts & be a man! BUT, he made an ass backwards comment that made every ounce of possible understanding drain from my heart. “i’m only 32…” WHAT? AND?

now what? now that you’re getting a divorce, you’ll magically not be 32 & obliged to those 8 kids? you could be 42, 22, 82. if you have a child, or eight, them crumb snatchers come way before YOU & your freedom. so what are you excited about? what opportunities wait on the other side of the courthouse doors that got you so “excited” about divorce? another declaration of your youth perhaps?  a tattoo, some more earrings, a new collection of trendy be-dazzled bad-ass t-shirts? really?

i know i don’t know the whole story, just the half that fit perfectly into the story arch created by the TLC people. but, unless you were reading a script…the words you choose were your own. people aren’t supposed to be excited about having to pack up & leave the comfort of watching their kids grow up every moment of the day. so, nope, you gets no love from me. i don’t care if she shat in your oatmeal everyday & bickered you to death about eating it. to your kids, you’ll always be the one that left. & it doesn’t matter what i think of you. but in case you were wondering, you’re a douche bag. not for leaving,but  for thinking that leaving was the answer to fulfilling bigger aspirations.

it’s quiet…too quiet.

this has been a laid back weekend. i haven’t seen the outside world since friday. well, with the exception of a neighbor coming over to bring us “welcome to the hood” brownies & cake. that was nice.

i want to say something profound. but really, the weekend was just ….not that serious. the extent of work was washing my arse & cooking dinner. i survived a killer headache & managed to beat a few boards of poptropica. i also started (& ended) an addiction to the sally’s spa app on the iphone.  oh & we did bake brownies & snicker doodles. tomorrow we’ll do thin mints (maybe) or some giant tri chocolate chip joints.

yawn.

just wanted to update the blog & say hey.

& i still haven’t watched CHE!

to you 19 folk…

…that stopped through today, i have three things to say to ya’ll.

1. hi
2. thanks
3. enjoy the show

so, yeah. i still haven’t found 2 hours of time to enable me to watch part one of che. i’m hoping that somewhere between the office & the staircase i’ll find enough spare time to buy me a few minutes of that movie. come on, del toro! how could that dvd exist in this house without me watching it? & it’s been here for about four days already. i’m slipping.

in other shocking news, i cut the grass today. well technically, i cut one section of the grass (he started & finished the rest) but i did accumulate enough sweat to give myself some lawn care credit. so yeah, go me. mind you, this is only shocking to folks who know that i HATE sweating. not just my sweat, i hate all ya’ll sweat too. & spit. & snot. & whatever else that comes in liquid form from bodies. i have somehow managed to get through raising three babies past the diaper phase without puking on any of them. this is a proud accomplish in this household. so when i mention that i was sweating, you’re supposed to ohhh & awww over my triumphant victory over self.

somehow, i sense you are not ohhhing & awwing as needed….so we’ll move forward.

took the baby ladies to the museum today & then walked around downtown in search of ice cream (which we found!). then we made our way over the park, where the girls started climbing up this rocky cliff thing & i was taking pictures, until….

amiia: mommy, what does clem-bah mean?
me: i don’t think it means anything.
amiia: then why does that sign say “don’t clem-bah the rocks”
me: girls, get down.
me: & the word is climb, miia, the b is silent.

well folks, that’s my time.

i’ll be here all week.  🙂

i need twabble…

…not twitter.

i am way too wordy for tweets. i lack the cleverness that it takes to capture attention in 5 sentences. give me a paragraph to explain my day, situation, feeling, &/or moment. i tend to have to work through my redundancy. i have to do this  in an effort to reach a conclusion that i generally don’t have before starting my first sentence. give me space to fumble over thoughts, as incoherent as them seem. i need useless details. i need to restate the same notion in three different ways.

here’s my last few tweets:

thank you universe that my little people managed to clean their rooms semi-on their own. about 17 hours ago from web.

thank you universe for this good start. slow rise, breakfast ready w/o complaining, green day playing, coffee hot. for this i am thkful. 8:52 AM Jun 11th from TwitterFon 

thank you universe that i am here in this skin, in these thoughts, in this family, in this life.4:15 PM Jun 10th from TwitterFon

 thank you universe because today i made it all the way to my destination before finding my flat tire.4:14 PM Jun 10th from TwitterFon

i’ve been in a grateful mood. but anyone outside of me….do you really want to hear about how awesome your friend’s life is feeling? seriously. i would probably unfollow me. haha. BUT if given the space needed to capture all of my whirlwind thoughts…i would probably make it from grateful to hateful because that’s just how i do.

speaking of twitter, i don’t want to follow my favorite celebs. it completely ruins all industry-made dreams in my head. i like to think of john mayer as a sensitive guy, shy & humble.  too late to turn back now. a room for squares is just a cd now. not an ode to me. just a cd by some dude who’s wears his intelligence like kayne wears his clothes. unappealing.

now i’m following my favorite writers (not favorite favorite, but folks who authored some books i have) & marvel at how uninspired their daily speak is…they’re just like me! woohoo.

well folks, that’s my time.  

follow me on twitter, if you dare.

six quick thoughts…

…before i head out the door.

1. tooth paste on pimples does nothing.
2. everything they’re selling on infomercials…i feel i need.
3. living in the suburbs makes me scared to sleep with my bedroom door closed.
4. shit! i forgot to cancel my mom’s doctor’s appt.
5. amel’s brownies were delicious & not an eggshell in sight (or chew)
6. my kids no longer have baby breath…it’s full grown “backupfrommyfaceYO” breath now. & that makes me a little sad.

good mornin.