claire can't see me.

a mom who is cooler in words than in life.

Archive for October, 2009

for caster, miia, & me

(for caster, miia, & me)

my daughter sprinted across the lawn yesterday
full speed, bare feet, laughing
with nothing more to define her existence
& as i watched her race to climb the front tree
scarred knees scrapping against cruel bark
gap-legged, dusty hands, sweat marks
i felt the need to tidy up her girlhood
call her homeward & spit clean her rough edges
break her spirit into a mold more comfortable for me
to accept
i needed to reshape her
remove my awkward slouch out of her back
replace my insecurities with dainty bones, for her
i wished the power that comes with being
lovely & frail, without question
men would not wonder if she were woman enough for them
to open doors
& carry bags
& speak sweetly to in careful tones
she would always be considered with a smile
pet names would perch on the tongues of men in her presence
because this was the womanhood that i wanted for me
the womanhood sojourner truth asked for
should be taken when defining a woman
& all of us girls with strong bones & sturdy spines
with sideways smiles & shattered struts
we beg with forced cries
to be considered
with concern for our fragility
just the same
i called her name from the porch
watched her climb down from her throne
& walk back home defeated
my daughter was not a girl in that moment
she was not that streak of multicolored flashes
fighting against wind & howling in victory
she was merely a body responding to wishes that were not her own
& that’s when i understood
that her definitions of girl
are not supposed to be my own
because i’m still working on mine, so
my hands motioned for her to get back to playing
& i watched her run free into the wild of her life
laughing, bare feet, full speed
back across the lawn.