claire can't see me.

a mom who is cooler in words than in life.

Archive for September, 2010

six thoughts that start with “i”

1. i hate my macbook pro.

2. i dont have the patience to unlearn my pc ways

3. i think that makes me officially old.

4. i’m okay with turning 30 this year.

5. i just wish all my hair was gray by no. i thought it would have been.

6. i just now realized that its midnight. & i swear, my body like automatically became extremely tired. which again proved #3.

(practice)

i’m going back over the draft titles of posts that i meant to write and decided that this would make go practice for me. please note this is not meant to be good. just an excercise to getting back into the swing of words.

he’s not a god.

& yet & still & til this day
my memory bends & breaks
at his feet
my body weeps
folded over into an origami bird
flightless beauty of manipulation
turned art
that easily rips apart
i am devout to disaster.

dear lawd

i forgive u
& i don’t know if gawds can be forgiven
but zora said that we fashion gawds in our own image
& i know how guilt ridden i can be
so, i forgive you for taking my momma
& i understand you wanted good company.

don’t go too far

one day they’ll leave
they’ll sneak their life in a bookbag
or let sum boy/girl borrow it
they’ll ration my portion of it
to minute replies of “everything’s fine”
when i ask to be invited into their day
they’ll assign me as spectator
& store the remaining truths in their locker at school
i know that one day
they’ll question my relevance
&  snicker over their bare shoulders going out the door
bubble gum flavored breath will blow across the threshold
when i talk
i know they won’t be able to hear me over the speakers in their mind
bumping someone’s advice that’s easier to dance to then my complicated jazz
& i’ll have to rifle through their thoughts to find evidence to prove our once upon a time friendship
i know it will all come to soon
they’ll be ready to leave before i’m ready to let go
but i hope i can convince them to not go too far.

its not a love story

when i said goodbye
he searched my eyes for reason
&  then he realized
my pupils were only pools of mud
& not amber
my face was a collection of mismatched memories
& not a horizon of stars
my name was not a melody of syllables
but rather unrhymatic complications to tongues.

& he no longer needed an answer
he could see  it himself
we were not a love story
just a plot twist.

six thoughts: live from the cubicle.

These thoughts were inspired by the six things currently on my desk.

1. Coffee mug: Contingo mugs rock so hard. You can turn them upside, sideways, hap hazardly place them in your purse filled to the brim with cranberry juice and NEVER worry about a single spill. Its cool to have that much faith in something.

2. Badge: I was so proud to finally have a job (although hindsight is 20/20) that in my badge picture i look smug as hell. Like “Yeah, you better had given me this job!”

3. Car Keys: To my BRAND NEW (well new to me) CAR! Okay, I’m not even a hard pressed brand bougie type of girl, but I tell you what…I loveth my almost (barely) new Lexus. Ant took a flight to ATL to get it and drove it home throughout the night. I love him & I love that car almost equally (not really).

4, Ruler: Yesterday I had to input like 500 lines of data and this piece of shit ruler did nothing but hold me back. Its clear with a highlighting strip in the middle…and well…it doesnt work. This was a useless piece of information, I know. And now at #4 I’m thinking…maybe this whole 6 things on my desk is kinda lame. I thought I could turn it into something poetic. So far it looks like I’m running low on inspiration. But, in the spirit of finishing what I start….let’s move on to #5.

5. Purple Sparkly Stapler: We were in Marhsalls and Amel picked it out for me in. She’s such a girly girl. All dresses, pink, fou fou, and tiaras for that girl. Its completely not my style, but whenever I see it I think of her & I’m glad that she’s mine.

6.  iPhone: Just got a text for my girl saying that she’s coming to the APB Dirty 30 in New Orleans in November. APB stands for Aplha Phi Booty, a joke that started ages ago on the campus of Northeastern University. 12 years later & we’re still friends. Special shout out to: Dirty Jers, Patty Rice,  Prof Benton BA-MA-PhD!, Cat Eyes, Brooklyn’s Finest, Dr Ozi, and me–>Squeaktastic.

*7.  (Bonus) Paper clip: When times get rough on the job. Find yourself a paperclip and see how many things you can fashion from that simple piece of wire. Thus far I’m made hearts, S, Z, a square, I’m spelled my name, swirlly thing…… Just a tid bit to help you stay awaye & alert & keep that creative fire alive & well in the cube.

Ta-Ta!

six thoughts: pathetic update

1. i told a lady at zaxby’s that i thought her her smile was pretty and she said “you’rs too” without truly looking at mine. why do people do that? accept my compliment & don’t degrade it with a half ass one.

2. gentlemen start your engines..and may the best woman win! (my very secret trash television obession. that & 16 and pregnant)

3. no one is happier than i am about united states of tara being back on. toni colette and i share a bond. we’re horrible conversationalists. give me a script & let me pretend to be someone witty…don’t ask me questions or you’ll be sorely disappointed in how lame i actually am.

4. i need a top hat and velvet coat for the tea party i’m throwing. do you have one?

5. i love youtube. but i’d love it even more if it was my idea.

6. I guess I never posted this. It’s old as molasses now, but its an update. 🙂

dinner time tales

amiia: jordan was fighting again today, mommy.
me: what happened?
amiia: well he was yelling at parker. he was yelling “YOU LYIN ME”
me: what?
amiia: yeah, he kept screaming out “YOU LYIN ME”
me: hmm..
amiia: i didn’t jump in their business but i did whisper to myself.
me: what did you say?
amiia: *with her pointer finger extended upwards* fragment sentence.

yep, i’ll keep her!

Now…where were we?

I suppose an update is in order. Since we last met my life has changed in 10 major ways. Instead of going with me usual long-winded soliloquies, I thought a list would be more efficient.

1. I buried my Mother 9 days after I graduated from college.

2. I graduated college cum laude.

3. I now work as a project manager disguised as a project assistant disguised as a receptionist. (only L.H will get that reference)

4. Since my biggest fan is gone failure/judgement doesn’t seems as devestating.

5. I’m starting a business.

6. I call my Dad on the regular now.

7. I’ve lost 12 lbs.

8. I have enough cojones to wear a wig. (Refer to #4)

9. I don’t worry about money. Ever.

10. I think my mom’s spirit has manifested into gnats/fruit flies that suddenly appear & nag me. & that cracks me up.

From all this, I have learned the follow:

1. Have more than 1 child.

2. Make sure your beneficiary papers are current.

3. Life is really not that serious in the long run.

4. Living life in the cubicle (especially one that’s fit for a dwarf) is for the birds.

5. Coping means slightly forgetting & letting go.

6. Storage costs are highly over priced.

7. Children are selfish little people who are helpful during crisis. Have some!

8. Fa’a Samoa is beautiful.

9. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

10. Sugar is overrated.

& that my dear beautiful strangers is life today for me. I can’t say that I’m okay, But, I am pretending to be everyday & once in a while I fool myself into believing just that.

I’ll see you in the next post.