claire can't see me.

a mom who is cooler in words than in life.

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dinner time tales

amiia: jordan was fighting again today, mommy.
me: what happened?
amiia: well he was yelling at parker. he was yelling “YOU LYIN ME”
me: what?
amiia: yeah, he kept screaming out “YOU LYIN ME”
me: hmm..
amiia: i didn’t jump in their business but i did whisper to myself.
me: what did you say?
amiia: *with her pointer finger extended upwards* fragment sentence.

yep, i’ll keep her!


Now…where were we?

I suppose an update is in order. Since we last met my life has changed in 10 major ways. Instead of going with me usual long-winded soliloquies, I thought a list would be more efficient.

1. I buried my Mother 9 days after I graduated from college.

2. I graduated college cum laude.

3. I now work as a project manager disguised as a project assistant disguised as a receptionist. (only L.H will get that reference)

4. Since my biggest fan is gone failure/judgement doesn’t seems as devestating.

5. I’m starting a business.

6. I call my Dad on the regular now.

7. I’ve lost 12 lbs.

8. I have enough cojones to wear a wig. (Refer to #4)

9. I don’t worry about money. Ever.

10. I think my mom’s spirit has manifested into gnats/fruit flies that suddenly appear & nag me. & that cracks me up.

From all this, I have learned the follow:

1. Have more than 1 child.

2. Make sure your beneficiary papers are current.

3. Life is really not that serious in the long run.

4. Living life in the cubicle (especially one that’s fit for a dwarf) is for the birds.

5. Coping means slightly forgetting & letting go.

6. Storage costs are highly over priced.

7. Children are selfish little people who are helpful during crisis. Have some!

8. Fa’a Samoa is beautiful.

9. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

10. Sugar is overrated.

& that my dear beautiful strangers is life today for me. I can’t say that I’m okay, But, I am pretending to be everyday & once in a while I fool myself into believing just that.

I’ll see you in the next post.

proud mary full of grace…

…big wheels keep on turning, so pray for us sinners. 

may is around the corner. once i shake president williams hand, walk across the stage chanting “don’t trip don’t trip” i’ll come face to face with the sweet reality of NOW WHAT?

i wanted to write something profound about college, about finally graduating, about the beauty of a dream fulfilled…but really i just wanted to say “hi”.

so, hey.

for amel: 02/20/03


some kids are easy
quiet, timid, & vulnerable
but that’s too simple of a role for you to fall into
and so you were born
feet first
eyes wide open
& howling
bursting our expectations that you’d fit
into your sister’s baby shoes waiting for you
no second time around expertise applied now
no hand-me-down lullabies would be accepted
this time
we would have to fight for silence
struggle against your strength for a full night’s sleep
until you decided, for us, that thumb sucking was going to beat out the pacifier dilemma
& no one understands the honor of winning that battle
better than you
no one will ever be
able to tame your talents for tenacity
no teacher or time out or tattle tell
will force you into submission
your little life without apologies is tiresome on some days
but most times
when I watch you strut through a sea of frightened first graders
when I see your head up & eyes forward
when I watch you force apart crowds
to run into my arms
I smile because
some kids are easy, but mine is perfect.

for caster, miia, & me

(for caster, miia, & me)

my daughter sprinted across the lawn yesterday
full speed, bare feet, laughing
with nothing more to define her existence
& as i watched her race to climb the front tree
scarred knees scrapping against cruel bark
gap-legged, dusty hands, sweat marks
i felt the need to tidy up her girlhood
call her homeward & spit clean her rough edges
break her spirit into a mold more comfortable for me
to accept
i needed to reshape her
remove my awkward slouch out of her back
replace my insecurities with dainty bones, for her
i wished the power that comes with being
lovely & frail, without question
men would not wonder if she were woman enough for them
to open doors
& carry bags
& speak sweetly to in careful tones
she would always be considered with a smile
pet names would perch on the tongues of men in her presence
because this was the womanhood that i wanted for me
the womanhood sojourner truth asked for
should be taken when defining a woman
& all of us girls with strong bones & sturdy spines
with sideways smiles & shattered struts
we beg with forced cries
to be considered
with concern for our fragility
just the same
i called her name from the porch
watched her climb down from her throne
& walk back home defeated
my daughter was not a girl in that moment
she was not that streak of multicolored flashes
fighting against wind & howling in victory
she was merely a body responding to wishes that were not her own
& that’s when i understood
that her definitions of girl
are not supposed to be my own
because i’m still working on mine, so
my hands motioned for her to get back to playing
& i watched her run free into the wild of her life
laughing, bare feet, full speed
back across the lawn.

hey ocean

six quick thoughts: before leaving the house.

1. i could live everyday off of lucky charms & captn crunch. i wonder what type of health repercussions i could face? i’m sure it leads to cancer because as you know..every damn thing leads to cancer.

2. i am no way ready for my book club dinner. my sparse office/media room is still …well sparse & partially messy. whatever am i going to do? nothing! shoot, if you’re gonna judge me based on my office then off with your head!

3. i slept good last night. & woke up early enough to have coffee & finish some projects before the baby monsters woke up. thank you friday for making us HAVE TO wake up.

4. i’ve got 4 minutes to go before i leave for “work”. then my love work begins, party planning! i’m doing a pirate party in august. do you need a high energy WOOHOO!YAY! party for your child? then let us know!

5. i lied…my internet browsing while blogging has lead to no time for sixth thought. damn you curious mind.

6. quick one: i have no air conditioner in my car & its the middle of summer. but each day i think summers almost over why fix it now? thats until i jump in that b & start driving. as sweat collects under my breasts i think…wtf was i thinking. but its a cycle i go through. yes fix it, no save the money. oh welp.. stay cool!